I'm driving myself insane here...

I'm feeling so sick, my sugar levels are darting from highs to lows too much. I had 2 hypos today which don't even have an reason for happening in the first place, I got so upset with that that I burst into tears.

Hypo's aren't fun. I had the worst one only last week, my sugars sky rcketed high and I took more insulin to lower it asap as you do. It worked, then I took my baseline injection which keeps the levels at the same so there aren't any highs or lows, I just take my other insulin to counteract the carbohydrates I eat in return so effectively its a fake pancreas.
Some time later, my sugar levels were dropping rapidly ...this being 3am....I was in bed....trying to sleep. I monitored it for starters nd it stuck at 0.1......normal healthy levels are between 4-7
in the minus range (-1) you go comatose, I was not far.....but my baseline injection kept it at level for 5 hours........no sugar I ate brought it back up

The thing about 0level hypo's:-

Constant shaking
Cold sweat
Light headedness
Loss of balance
The world moves around you
Throat feels like its swelling
Can't breathe
Woozy
Dizzy
Heart pounding
Feel the heart pounding in the head
Can't do anything like sleep it off when it gets that bad
You look like you're acting drunk
Can't administer a sugar injection to oneself
Can't ring for help
Flat was empty
Couldn't even cry

5 hours of that and more, I thought I was going to go into a coma - which when you do leaves you not long to be found and saved......I wrote a note on my white board saying I couldn't move out of place - it didn't even read that.

I'm not sure how much more to take, other than that, I'm being stalked out of work on fridays.....I get easily paranoid, I've started seeing and hearing things and it's driving me insane - so many panic attacks now...

I can't wait to move out on tuesday - heaven sent - until Saturday but we'll see how that goes I guess.

It just hit me this morning that if I've got an edit to be doing at the same time as writing up a 4 week journal in detail ( only done 7 days and thats over 3000 words!!!), a 2000 word reflective evaluation, 1500 word research report, 200 word essay on great brit films as well as next week which will include Art department on a music video Monday and Tuesday, and editing the fucker on the Wednesday and Thursday. Then Friday all ofthe above must be finished and handed in...



...Shit.


I'll do it like, but I'll miss sleeping lol.

I've been moved onto a different kind of insulin regime. The old one was 2 injections a day at set times of Humalin Isophane, a long acting insulin which generally did not cover my carb and sugar intake for most the day and was often the cause for me feeling very sick.

This new regime is better despite how horrid it sounds, 4 injections or more a day on 2 different insulins. One of Lantus everyday at 6pm....a long actin insulin but keeps the sugars going steady, then everytime I eat Apidra fast acting insulin which is 1 unit per 10g of carbs. It's not so bad so far, though I had a few side effects this weekend, one including where I counted the calories and not the carbs and made my sugars low.

Why have I suddenly changed insulin?
Because the specialists in Leeds know more about Diabetes than at home and also cause I've volunteered to be a test subject into blood control and controlling the blood clot. ...so every check up I have they're going to be taking 40ml of blood...which be a tenth of what people donate.

Other than that I am completely knackered


x

Pity the Fool but not the Player

Its what you want
Its what you crave
The opinion you haunt
The bitterness you save

Never loved to hate
Never yearned for pain
Overgrown and vain.
It’s the fate you create

You’re twisted, so vile
You pain me just to think
The days I spent over you
Are wasted, gone, spent

So selfish with every word you meant
I’m better than you, I vent
Without intent to hurt your “heart”
Forever sorry, forever bent.

So vile so vulgar
So lost inside your head
Leave it all behind, be free
Go get your fucking wish

I’d rather see you heaped on the floor
Scattered, stained, begging no more
Paint my walls scarlet, filthy whore
You ain’t worth it honey, there’s the door.

This is for he, the monk, the celibate,
The fool who tried to be.

I failed he lost.
I gain he’s vain
May he be washed in the sea

Taint him
Maul him
Don’t let him out of sight

Drain him
Pain him
Teach him what I meant.

A lover’s curse
Pure with pride
Impaled with fury
And painted Red
-----------------------------------------------------------

Chance is unlikely that he will read it, but I have something he doesn't and that is hope.

Eitherway, people can look me up and read it themselves. I don't expect the knob to even realise what he's caused, let alone caused in pain and suffering.
But here is evidence that I'm one step closer to the good side than he is.

This is something quite dark for the stuff that I have written as of late, but it was either this or taking it out on myself, which frankly isn't worth the bother considering that he's made me feel so glum this last month.

Who needs enemies when you have friends. If only that was true, he'd be let off but no, he's a useless idiot who thinks himself better than everyone else.

I'm going to quit ranting now. This is the last cause in all honestly I'm better than that


Peace out x

Ow....my head.

Wow

I haven't been on here for an absolute age have I?
I guess it's uni worl or lack of. Well I've uploaded some writing and photo's I've worked on whilst being in Leeds...lucky lucky you!

Uni atm is great !!!! Out of the specialisms I'm studying (Sound, Camera + Lighting, Editing and Directing) I'm aiming for Editing and Camera + Lighting!

They rock..a Lot...

Finished working on a little project in editing where me and my friend Amy transformed our tutors film footage into a little advert for Oust consisting of 2 people about to get it on in a lift.....yes lol

Was also in hospital couple of weeks ago, Diabetic Ketoacidosis, but for those of you who understand that babble...I am on the mend.....back on insulin....and look it up on wikipedia if it makes no sense, it is not nice

But Leeds is still rocking


talk to youall soon

xxx